i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
