pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
