She is in my trunk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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