I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
