o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
