No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
