Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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