I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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