walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
