just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
