Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
