I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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