You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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