I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
