I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
