there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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