we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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