I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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