I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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