seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
