I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
