he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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