She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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