i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
