Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
