Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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