you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
