The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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