Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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