I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
