I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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