it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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