Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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