I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
