I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
