She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
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You. Win. At. Life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pants are for mortals
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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