i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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