I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
