She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
