love makes seman taste better
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
