just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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