That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
