Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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