Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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