last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
