I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
