Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
