hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
