Umm I'm too high to move.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
