This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
