I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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