Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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