On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
