I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
