I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
