So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
