Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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